One hundred twenty shrines, nine hundred Korok seeds, four Divine Beasts, and many nights spent running away from Stalchildren instead of sleeping, and Link still found himself getting pummeled by Calamity Ganon.
Dead-eyed, Link bounced up and down off the floor as Ganon swung his fists into our mighty hero. The pain ricocheted through his body, splitting each nerve end, bones crumbling to dust. Yet all the while, Link could not bring himself to summon Daruk, the Goron Champion, to come to his aid and shield him from Ganon’s terrifying wrath.
He had scoured the entire continent, crawling into every nook and cranny, talking to every single person he saw because for all he knew, they needed his aid.
Link, can you follow this love letter down a river for me in case it reaches someone?
Of course, I can. Not only will I follow this letter, I will kill every monster that even so much as looks at it.
Oh, the woes of the hero. So many of his old friends were dead in this new Hyrule he had awakened to.
Ganon’s fist slammed him right in the cheek, sending him skidding across the floor. He slammed into a stone wall, his neck snapping against his shoulder.
Ganon floated above him, looking down with those deep yellow eyes, eyes that Link imagined gazing into each time he slaughtered one of Ganon’s dreadful minions, eyes that kept him awake every night for the past few months, eyes he wanted to see no more of the second he woke up.
Link’s body slid to the ground, his jaw smashed to the right.
He was going to die after all the good he did, and he didn’t even care. Because he didn’t help the one person he liked above them all, a man who spread wealth and opportunity to those who were willing to work under his code, a man who got on his hands and knees and built a glorious civilization from the ground up.
Hudson. He didn’t help Hudson.
“These boulders are driving Greyson nuts. I want to move them out of the way so we can develop the land underneath. Oh and one last wrinkle, the person you get for the job, yeah, in accordance with the official Bolson Construction policy, that someone’s name must end in “son.” If you run into anyone that fits with what I’ve said, send them here to Tarrey Town for me.”
Link winced, ready to embrace the sweet death he should have suffered a century ago, but it never came. Instead, he felt a brisk flick upon his nosey-wosey. Link pinched his nose with despair and looked upward.
“Um—hey,” Calamity Ganon said, “You okay there, buddy?”
Link pushed himself up to get a better look at Ganon. Was this the afterlife the Goddesses wanted for him?
“Uh—I don’t know, I just—I kept seeing you from the peak of the castle, running around meddling with stuff to get me killed—“ Ganon drawled, “And that’s cool! I get it—we’re on opposing sides—but um—I figured you wanted to fight and stuff.”
“I’ll kill you if you want, dude. But I’m just checking that everything’s fine.”
“HYAAA!” Link shrieked. Ganon’s fist lashed out and crushed Link’s windpipe, thumb pushing down hard on his Adam’s Apple.
Once again, Link found those yellow eyes glaring into his, the monster’s snout pressed up against him.
“HYAAAAAAAAA!” Link started to cry out again but quickly found himself silenced by Ganon’s loud SHUSH.
“I can’t understand donkey-doo-da when you talk like that, son,” Ganon said through pointed teeth, reminiscent of the doctor shining a light up your nose.
Prying open Link’s eye carefully with two fingertips, Ganon peered into Link’s very soul.
“You’re supposed to find someone to help Hudson, huh?”
And just like that, Link felt relief upon his throat as Ganon hovered away, fingers twiddling against each other. Link scratched his uncouth hair and got to his feet, pulling an apple from his satchel to munch on.
“Hya…” Link muttered softly, his hands doing most of the talking.
“A guy to destroy a boulder, huh?” Ganon moaned, his voice like a lost baby whale looking for their mama. His cries shook the temple, threatening to crumble Hyrule Castle into dust.
“Hya!” Link pumped his fist in the air. Who could Ganon know?
Was this going to be awkward? Would Link like—have to go down to ground level, find the -son person, bring him to Hudson, climb back up the castle, kill more Guardians, and confront Ganon once again?
“There are some who know me as…” Ganon paused, letting the wind drift between his horns. “Gansondorf.”
Well Link just about dropped his Octoballoons right then and there.
“But that was a long time ago,” Ganon said with a shaky voice that reminded Link more of the ever sad Zelda.
“We are an unstoppable force meeting with an immovable object, Link,” Ganon explained to the ashes floating around them. “You won’t kill me because—well—you suck. And I—won’t kill you. Because you’re just too depressing.”
Link bowed his head and undid his ponytail. It was getting a little tight with all the stress.
“I don’t know—what if they don’t like me, Link?!” Ganon cried out, hand folded against his eyes, mouth agape, tongue a-flappin’.
Link smiled and punched his fist into his open palm.
“You’ll kill me? That’s not to my favor.”
Link shook his head and punched his fist even harder.
“I kill Hudson? That’s ridiculous, I’d never lay a finger on another member of the -son tribe.”
Link slammed his now limp hand into his forehead and motioned for Ganon to follow closely behind him.
“Oh!” Ganon cried out. “You meant—you meant I will be so good at crushing rocks it won’t matter!”
Link rolled his eyes and flashed Ganon a quick thumbs up before jumping down the next few feet to start the journey to Tarrey Town.
Link and Ganon found themselves peeking over a boulder that night, watching the residents of Tarrey Town buzz around. Greyson the Goron was rubbing his sore knuckles, tears dripping down his plump cheeks, the foreboding boulder watching over him.
“Hm, I understand,” Ganon said. Link quickly swatted Ganon’s face downwards, concealing him behind the stone.
“Hoy Link!” Hudson shouted from down below. “Why are you hiding behind a boulder?”
Link waved over to Hudson, a rattling in his chest, unsure if his rush to finish the quest for his old pal came from a good place or not.
“How did the hunt go for the next person to join our company?” Hudson asked stoically, all the heads in Tarrey Town turning to face Link with nervous anticipation.
Link opened his mouth to say something when suddenly a purple light was cast over the little village. Turning to look, cracks rippled through the boulder, a violent violet shining in the crevasses, and as quickly as it started it ended, with the boulder crumbling into dust, revealing the vicious Calamity Ganon on the other side.
“Hi,” Ganon said meekly, offering a tiny wave to Hudson.
Hudson blinked, crossing his arms, and pushing a finger through his marvelous mustache to deliver a mighty itch to his nose.
“Oh!” Hudson decreed. “I get it. Calamity GanSON, right?!”
“Yep,” Ganon nodded.
All the Tarrey Town residents murmured in agreement.
Hudson pointed over to Calamity Ganon, pounding on his knotted stomach, and said, “I LOVE THIS GUY!”