If I Were a Cis Girl

If I Were a Cisgirl

I woke up with a vagina between my legs
A permanently smooth face
And soft skin
And I cried because the nightmare was over

A little girl named Katrina, the one who danced in my dreams
So strange it was to be something you could only see from afar
But I was her
And nothing stood in my way

This time I dated in high school
I kissed the girls I always wanted to and touched their faces
And they touched me and I laughed
Because he was so distant from me now

The bullies who called me a faggot
Loved me, said I was beautiful
And they wanted me, their lips to my ears
Thank God I was still gay

But I let their whispers excite me still
While I shook my head at a girl with square shoulders
Blocky slacks and a tightly buttoned dress shirt
Desperate stubble trying to hide her truth

A friend came out to me as trans in college
And I stifled a giggle for I already knew what they had to say
They yelled at me and I never spoke to them again

Perverted men in dresses
Artistic women trying to make a statement
The blue is rugged, the pink is soft
A mental illness, a distortion, a misplaced fantasy

My period became my femininity
My birth control became my femininity
My pregnancy became my femininity
And I forgot

One day I cleaved off all my hair
Squashed my breasts with the bandages I used to conceal my hate
I screamed and collapsed, writhing on the floor
Longing to remember

Maybe I could be Nick
For just a little while
But he had been erased
In his quest to become Katrina

But this voice shimmered like a raindrop
Their voice soft and hard like the wind’s whisper
I opened my lips and something unknown escaped me
I was the same age as her but somehow

This wasn’t what I fought for
Not what I was ready to die for
This haughty know-it-all lesbian
Haphazardly speaking for the others of society

Fragments of shattered glass at my knees
They showed me blue eyes
The same blue eyes I always had, the only reminder
And they begged me to come home

The next day I awoke with my penis laying on my thigh
My chest flat, my hips boyish
Eyeliner smeared across cheeks, across my pillow
And I looked into the mirror and blushed

Because I was naked
And my tears were warm
And my smile splattered them across my face
Because I was me


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