Transition

TransitionNaked flesh on the mattress pad
Nether regions glowing a soft red
‘Neath the warm autumn glow through the sheets
I should love myself right now I think

Yet before anything even happens
A throbbing pain like a split nerve
Sticking to the sharpie stained finger is
A droplet of red

A year on estrogen and spironolactone
Has made me so ugly
A body trying to be
Anything else

Breasts a twelve year old girl could laugh at
Hips and thighs that jut out at odd angles
Incorrectly placed among the puffy stomach and groin
Like they were stolen

Still neck fuzz
Still flat footed
Still an unsure smile
Still shaped like a brick

Yet wait
Yet now
I would like to take a second
To jerk myself off too

Metaphorically though
Because you know
I uh
Can’t actually

Coffee slips between my lips
And I feel this taste
This fruity, nutty, holy shit
I used to hate this crap

Finally buying the monthly Metro Card pass
Finally going days without texting friends declarations of what I’m doing
Finally getting that F stamped next to my legal name
Finally getting the cat from my dreams

It wasn’t until I came out
That I became Katrina
That I
That I tried to kill myself

For better or for worse
I’m still me
Or rather
I became me

I suffered from nightmares about coming out
For so many years
And then I came out and found something else
This other dread of being me

From afar people who knew me
See something strange
But I feel the same when I look
Into the mirror

At the end of a day
Eyeliner streamed across the cheek
Eyeshadow smeared into war paint
Lipstick left on uneaten scraps of food

When men shriek and yelp and holler
We withdraw from them, we flinch because we are scared
But my tenorous shouts
Do the same to the cis

One year on estrogen does a lot to you
My hips could bear a child
My breasts fly up and down when I run now
And I bruise easily

But I still have a penis
And my lizard brain
Still retreats
To toxic masculinity

After the crimson droplet on my penis
I slipped on pajamas and didn’t move
Because of phantom pains
And other in your head bull shit

That glimmer and shine
To the pretty validation of your new name
The skip in your heart
From the natural she/her

It goes away
Like everything else
That was ever loved
And once wanted

And then you think
Shit
This isn’t that exciting that anymore
Am I like gonna have to cut my penis off next or something

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah
What a heteronormative notion
My non functioning penis is me
And I am still woman

And if you are reading this
Bent over a screen
And you have tears on your cheeks
That only come at 2 AM

I want you to know
I love you
And I know you’re going to make it
Because you already did

You are woman
Or
You are man
Or
You are you

And no one can take that away

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