Sad Internet People

I met my favorite Let’s Player
At a convention
He wore a giant Mario hat
And my heart blasted out of my chest when I saw him

I watched him for hundreds of hours
A man who had saved me from panic attacks
From suicide
From being alone

His head bowed down to his chest
Saying “Pew! Pew!”
At his 3DS
Both screens black

Unable to raise his voice
To ask some people
If they could
Take a picture of us

Scrolling through an old forum
Usual suspects still active
After ten years
Still asking “Is Rick Moranis dead? Or just his career?” every week

Finding jokes
About me
About me being trans
Three years after I left them

Last year my hometown built a CVS across Zorba’s
And everyone was impressed
That West Bridgewater could change
Could dare to be different

Scrolling past twenty people
Collectively saying that the forum was better seven years ago
Every single day
The same crew as before

I smirked
And thanked that I wasn’t that
But never the less
Well, how do I put this?

You read and retweet my joke
You imagine fantastic imagery and my voice trying to hold back laughter
Like Maria Bamford when she’s slaying
But my voice is tiny

Curled up in bed, lips barely parting
Like a child tugging her mother’s sleeve
Never heard me like this
Phantom infancy from my mouth

Blankets up to my chest, smashing refresh
Did this version of me do well?
No, they scrolled right by, my pixels rocketing away
They saw through it

One Friend liked this joke
So I know this is a Gloria kind of joke
I see her at a party and struggle to make eye contact
But I’m not a Gloria kind of person

Riding the bus
Quietly rocking with the sway of the bumpy road
Carefully constructing FaceBook statuses
Word by word

Like Michelangelo painting his Chapel
Like Lincoln formulating his address
Like Paul Thomas Anderson and his milkshakes
Like WalrusGuy and One More Final: I Need You(tube Poop)

I post it and shut off my phone
Knowing that I am indeed
A fucking genius
And the next day the people will love me

Comedy is honesty
It’s taking shared pains
And helping us feel
A little less lonely

But honesty is earned
It’s built up to
Else it be awkward
For we put up with enough

So when someone you scroll past makes a joke
About suicide hotline hold music
You go “Ugh”
And let them die

Because no one asked you to save anyone
Or do anything
Except to accept
A friend request

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